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The Last Day I Held Your Hand

On March 6th, 2022, I stared into Vito's eyes, held his hands and whispered to him one last time 'You are my heart. You are my soul. You are my life. You are my love. You are my everything.' Then I said 'This isn't goodbye. We'll always be together. Our hearts and souls are intertwined as one, forever and always.' Tears filled my eyes. My internal voice told me to be strong " Vito needs me to be brave, make it peaceful for him."

When the vet told me he was gone I curled up next to him and cried so hard the pain still echos in my body. No matter how much I planned for this day, nothing could prepare me for this heartache.

The night before I told Vito 'I know we're getting close but I'm not strong enough to make this decision. Please give me a clear sign.' The next day I woke up with ice cold hands and feet. I didn't think anything of it until I felt Vito's paws. His hands and feet were ice cold. This was a clear sign that the blood in his body wasn't properly circulating. His liver was failing. He was weak. All the signs were there. Vito's body was shutting down and in some kindred way, I felt it in my body.

How we arrived at this moment has left my heart in shock. Despite Vito's diagnosis, I believed his cancer wouldn't spread. Vito fought hard. He was SO strong. He didn't show any signs until the end and somehow, in between his most difficult days, he found the energy to give us the perfect day. Vito's soul was full of life and still is. Everyday I feel him in my heart and my soul.

Vito's spiritual presence brings me comfort, but the physical loss hurts. Every morning I'd bury my head in his chest, he'd wrap his arm around me and I'd say 'Good morning handsome.' After he'd finish his meals, I'd wipe his face, kiss his nose and sometimes he'd burp (which is know to be a sign that your dog loves you). When I snuggled him I'd twirl my finger around his ear. What I miss most is holding his hand. The weight of his paw pressed into my palm. How his fingers would fold over mine and he'd squeeze my hand. All of this is gone.

My daily normal died the day Vito took his last breath.

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Manuela Lettmann
Manuela Lettmann
Jun 29

Putting a like on this did not feel right because I almost feel your pain reading the blogpost but please know that this is a caring hug from a fellow dog lover !

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